Head Games

I’m still on my “hiatus”, but needed to come here to vent and let off a bit of steam.

All of last week, while B was getting up and going to Day Camp with the Behavior Therapists from where he gets his mental health treatment, everything was great. It was a REALLY good week for him all the way around. Both there and at home.

Somewhere along the line, on Sunday though, it all changed. I can’t say as to why, when during the day, or how. But B spiraled out of control.

There were no problems at church (first time back in about two years, almost) during Sunday School or Sermon. It was starting as we had to wait for my husband to get us (has poison oak and didn’t want to share). Smart answered, yelling at me, walking off, non-compliant.

It only got worse from there. At home. Picking on his little sister. Yelling at her and at my husband. Kicking things, tossing things or knocking them to the floor.

Then Monday comes around. One problem for yesterday was he was out of his Vyvanse (had his last pill Sunday before church). But he was pretty good in the morning, getting up, dressing, calm and pretty manageable. Even with the bus being almost 40 minutes late.

By 2:00 in came he dreaded call. What he did Sunday, he did at camp on Monday, too. I let her know that he can’t get any Vyvanse until this morning and that Sunday was JUST as bad, WITH the medicine.

Last night after he got home, about 3:00 and on until he had to go to bed early, was no picnic either. Same crap, different time of the day.

Why do I always get my hopes up? Why do I always think “hey, it’s getting better, let’s hope it stays that way”, only for this shit to happen within HOURS of saying it. It’s as if I jinx or curse myself EVERY single time. Because as soon as I see and verbally note a POSITIVE turn around, he reverts back to the same-old-same-old.

By evening, I just wanted to go off somewhere alone and cry my eyeballs out, scream, hit something…anything. I’m tired of this roller coaster with my kid. I have two others that need me to attend to them, too. But when B gets like this, ALL the attention is put on him as to ensure everyone (and everything, including animals) are safe from his wrath and destructive patterns.

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the diseases. I’m sick of his mood and personality changes..I don’t PMS as hard as this boy seemingly does! I’m sick of others “handling” my kid, when it’s MY job, but basically am NOT allowed to “correct” theirs. I’m tired of family that just doesn’t seem to get it, that NO amount of “spanking” will make him “shape up”. I’m just sick of ALL of it. And sometimes, all of them…And him.

If that makes me a bad person or mother, then oh well. At least I haven’t walked out on him or my family over it all. Most people would. I can’t. I won’t, no matter how much at times I wish I could just toss my hands up and say “I’m DONE!”.

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3 thoughts on “Head Games

  1. Oh sweetie I hear ya loud and clear. For the last 2 months Doug has been dating Brittany, who is an alcoholic, mind twisting little ho who decided my son was the perfect person to play with. She has had him strung from one place to another mentally, physically and emotionally. Yesterday the lid BLEW off because she got MAD because I and Gene supposedly treated one of her friends better and accepted them more. Of course this friend of hers we have known since the child was 4, though she didn't know that. This friend also filled Doug and us in on the shit she was doing when Doug wasn't around. The nights she claimed she couldn't go out, yadda yadda. All hell broke loose. Oh did I mention she also told Doug she didn't like him on his meds because he went to sleep too early. Ya know cause she wanted to get drunk and screw all night him or whoever was around, even making a pass at JESSE in Doug's presence. Let's just say he FINALLY calmed last night with the help of a couple of friends and when he started realizing that we were not lying about who she was he WENT OFF On her.. Now she is whining she needs new friends because all of her old ones have called her on how she did Doug.. Umm yeah let me see if all of YOUR friends are siding with your now EX the common denominator would be her right?

  2. First, a huge hug and shoulder for you.Second — this is indeed hard, and I understand a lot of your story. If you have a good family therapist you could go to, I'd highly recommend it, any way you can. B isn't the only one with a struggle — this affects everyone. You are ALLOWED to have feelings, but I get the impression you don't think you are.You can get my email off my blog profile, if you want to privately email, any time.

  3. Im so sorry. You have every right to be frustrated with a family who thinks this is a cold, that can be fixed. I will pray for you. I have brain damage from cerebral palsy 4 months preme.I went through a lot of simmlar troubles. My solution, was I spent some time with relatives, who against the advice of experts, took me out of socialising with my peers, and for a while allowed me to do things as i wished. I understand he can;t just do as he wants but this will eslate. That helped calm me better than treatments did. Once I didn't feel I was being buggged, my behaviors altered. Im in no way trying to dictate to you, but you need to ask yourself, why besides the illness does he hate this so much? Hoping for all your sakes things go well

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