I’m still on my “hiatus”, but needed to come here to vent and let off a bit of steam.
All of last week, while B was getting up and going to Day Camp with the Behavior Therapists from where he gets his mental health treatment, everything was great. It was a REALLY good week for him all the way around. Both there and at home.
Somewhere along the line, on Sunday though, it all changed. I can’t say as to why, when during the day, or how. But B spiraled out of control.
There were no problems at church (first time back in about two years, almost) during Sunday School or Sermon. It was starting as we had to wait for my husband to get us (has poison oak and didn’t want to share). Smart answered, yelling at me, walking off, non-compliant.
It only got worse from there. At home. Picking on his little sister. Yelling at her and at my husband. Kicking things, tossing things or knocking them to the floor.
Then Monday comes around. One problem for yesterday was he was out of his Vyvanse (had his last pill Sunday before church). But he was pretty good in the morning, getting up, dressing, calm and pretty manageable. Even with the bus being almost 40 minutes late.
By 2:00 in came he dreaded call. What he did Sunday, he did at camp on Monday, too. I let her know that he can’t get any Vyvanse until this morning and that Sunday was JUST as bad, WITH the medicine.
Last night after he got home, about 3:00 and on until he had to go to bed early, was no picnic either. Same crap, different time of the day.
Why do I always get my hopes up? Why do I always think “hey, it’s getting better, let’s hope it stays that way”, only for this shit to happen within HOURS of saying it. It’s as if I jinx or curse myself EVERY single time. Because as soon as I see and verbally note a POSITIVE turn around, he reverts back to the same-old-same-old.
By evening, I just wanted to go off somewhere alone and cry my eyeballs out, scream, hit something…anything. I’m tired of this roller coaster with my kid. I have two others that need me to attend to them, too. But when B gets like this, ALL the attention is put on him as to ensure everyone (and everything, including animals) are safe from his wrath and destructive patterns.
I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the diseases. I’m sick of his mood and personality changes..I don’t PMS as hard as this boy seemingly does! I’m sick of others “handling” my kid, when it’s MY job, but basically am NOT allowed to “correct” theirs. I’m tired of family that just doesn’t seem to get it, that NO amount of “spanking” will make him “shape up”. I’m just sick of ALL of it. And sometimes, all of them…And him.
If that makes me a bad person or mother, then oh well. At least I haven’t walked out on him or my family over it all. Most people would. I can’t. I won’t, no matter how much at times I wish I could just toss my hands up and say “I’m DONE!”.